I have never felt loved. Never in my whole life. Not even by the people who brought me into the world. In their eyes I am reflected back as merely a human, someone who they are obligated to look after. This has led me to make the assumption that I am not deserving of love.
It’s not that I don’t have friends, I have many of those, and it’s not that they don’t make me happy; they make me extremely happy every single day, and I am grateful. I just don’t feel like I am loved. Everyone around me is spinning in a perpetual state of happiness that I can’t seem to be a part of or access; isolation is what was meant for me.
I am meant to be alone, to never find that person who will fill me up and make me the best person I can be. I am waiting. I have been waiting for so long, and I understand that I am still so young and have so long to look for this, but I just don’t feel like anyone could truly love me, because there is always someone so much better than me.
There is always someone better looking, smarter, skinnier, happier, funnier, less crazy, more perfect than I. I try so hard to be someone you deserve, someone who could make you happy and what pains me is that I know that I can do that for you.
So now, I have officially given up; on everything. On deluding myself with the thought that people love me, on continuing to lead myself to believe that there is someone out there for me, that you are the one for me. I’m sick and tired of attempting to please you when you never seem to see me most days.